Happy New Year's Day! It is the first day of 2011 and I'm sure everyone has decided (or are still in the process) on their New Year's Resolution(s). As this year starts, I am shocked with the realization that I will be entering the last year of my thirties in a little over 2 months. So 40 will be staring me in the face soon. Wow, how did this happen? It is pretty evident that the aging process has started. "What are these weird random hairs on my face?" "Why does my neck look like the neck of a turkey?" "Dry skin again?" These are my usual complaints. But as I close my thirties, I don't feel any regret about this decade. At least I looked better in my 30's that I did in my 20's.
My husband's grandmother passed away this week so the family and I have spent some time looking through old photos, etc. When my husband and I started dating again, I was in my 20's and we got married in my mid-20's. This was also the time that I gained the weight. It was a major shock to see how heavy I really was because you forget (ok, block it out is maybe a better phrase). The swollen face, how odd I looked next to my husband in pictures who was thinner and thinking again of how I could have let myself get to that point. And I have often thought back of this time in my life, what should have been the best time of my life was actually a painful time in my life.
So of all the things I regret in my life, this is one of the biggest ones. I wish I hadn't been so heavy in my 20's. I wish I had been able to shop at normal department stores and not the stores for "big girls". I wish I had been able to wear a swim suit with pride. I wish I had been able to get a normal-sized wedding dress and not have to pay extra money because they had to buy more material to make it. I wish that when my husband and I celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, we could have looked at a thin girl in her wedding dress rather than looking at a heavy bride. I have so many regrets about my 20's that it often makes me sad.
So as I was sharing these pangs of regret on facebook, one of my friends remarked, "I think that is way better than looking through your wedding album and thinking how skinny you WERE. Not many people can say they look better now than they did at their wedding." Interesting point. And to get lost in the pain of regretting the past takes away from focusing on life in front of you and relishing in your positive changes. I found a quote that sums it up pretty well. "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.” (Jonathan Larson)
So, here's what I have accomplished in the 30's to turn around the 20's. I am thinner than I was my junior and senior year of high school! I shop at regular department stores! And not only do I wear a now swim suit with pride, but I do it with a bikini!!! And although I can't take back my wedding day, maybe someday my husband and I will renew our vows and I can wear a dress that doesn't require more material!
I recently bought an off-the-shoulder blouse to wear for New Year's Eve. This would have been something I would have loved to wear in my 20's. Instead, I wore it at 38 years old and rocked it. I have a lot of time to make up for and that's what I have been doing for the past 5 years!
P.S. Good Luck Balzy! I want you to rock it in your 40's! Be fabulous!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Saturday, November 27, 2010
I still have problems getting used to my new size...
It's been exactly 5 years since I got to my goal weight through Weight Watchers. It was around Thanksgiving because I remember seeing some high school friends who hadn't seen me since I had lost all the weight and I remember how self-concious I was that night. What would they say, how would they treat me? It turned out okay, I got a bunch of compliments and free drinks, so I can't complain...
Anyway, for those of you who have lost a lot of weight, it's a complete body transformation. And even though you have been working so hard at losing the weight and changing your physical self, you may have not yet prepared yourself mentally for the change. You still see yourself as the big, fat chick so clothes shopping is usually a challenge. This may last for awhile. Case in point...
I was at Target the other day looking at the yoga pants. Since I am short (God, I wish I was 5'8"), I have to get pants in a short length and they are really hard to find for exercise pants. So I always grab two sizes in exercise pants, shorts, shirts, etc. Large and Medium. I can't get myself out of the large mentality. But, it is difficult for me to think otherwise. And everytime, I put on the large, it is always too big. I then put on the medium which fit. (Small will never be on the radar, I do not have a small frame) Why is it so hard for me to accept that larges are too big and after all this time? Scars I guess from our former selves. Plus, we are so used to using our clothes to HIDE ourselves, it is difficult for us to use clothes to show off our best assets. So, I dedicate this to all my ladies (and men) out there losing weight. Yes, you are changing physically and you look beautiful. You also need to prepare yourself mentally for how small you are becoming.
Anyway, for those of you who have lost a lot of weight, it's a complete body transformation. And even though you have been working so hard at losing the weight and changing your physical self, you may have not yet prepared yourself mentally for the change. You still see yourself as the big, fat chick so clothes shopping is usually a challenge. This may last for awhile. Case in point...
I was at Target the other day looking at the yoga pants. Since I am short (God, I wish I was 5'8"), I have to get pants in a short length and they are really hard to find for exercise pants. So I always grab two sizes in exercise pants, shorts, shirts, etc. Large and Medium. I can't get myself out of the large mentality. But, it is difficult for me to think otherwise. And everytime, I put on the large, it is always too big. I then put on the medium which fit. (Small will never be on the radar, I do not have a small frame) Why is it so hard for me to accept that larges are too big and after all this time? Scars I guess from our former selves. Plus, we are so used to using our clothes to HIDE ourselves, it is difficult for us to use clothes to show off our best assets. So, I dedicate this to all my ladies (and men) out there losing weight. Yes, you are changing physically and you look beautiful. You also need to prepare yourself mentally for how small you are becoming.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
It's not too early to start making your 2011 resolutions
So, my husband and I had a wonderful meal last night with another couple that we haven't seen in at least 2 years. Sounds hard to believe when the husband in the couple was our best man! Anyway, it was nice to enjoy 3-4 hours of their company along with some wine and great Italian food.
We talked a lot last night about things for us to do in the future. Possible double family trip to the Outer Banks. I've never been there and my husband and I have been talking about renting a house one summer. Is this the year to do that? We also talked about skiing. The wife had only been skiing once as had I. So, at least if we are going to 2 newbies on the slopes, we can do it together. We also talked about a long weekend trip to the Adirondacks to try hiking one of the high peaks again.
The skiing and hiking a high peak is something really important to me for numerous reasons, but mostly because the last time I did both of those things, I was severly overweight. I still remember skiing for the first time and HATING every minute of it. It was hard to move, to steady yourself on the slopes when you had so much excess weight to carry. I still remember how embarrasing it was when I rented equipment and they asked me how much I weighed. I, of course, lied and said 180 (which still big) but clearly I was pushing to 200's at that point. Anyway, skiing is something I would like to try again because I am in MUCH better shape now, a lot stronger due to my strength training, and because I don't have that excess weight any longer. Another reason I want to try skiing again: I'm kind of a scaredy cat. I get scared when taking chances so I would really like to push myself outside of my comfort zone. Heck, I never thought I could run a half-marathon and I did!
The hiking thing is different story. Last time I went hiking with them, I barely made it off the mountain, I kid you not. I was clearly not prepared for the physical strength and stamina you would need to hike a mountain and it was one of the most hellish experiences in my life. I was still heavy, although not as heavy as the skiing weight. But, I was not in great physcial shape. I remember my husband coaching me and urging me off the mountain and me saying, "go ahead without me, I'm just going to sleep with the animals!" One of the worst experiences in my life. So, why do I want to try it again. See the skiing reasons but it also has a lot to do with proving something to yourself. And I need to prove to myself that I am strong, I am powerful and can accomplish anything!
I would like to add "run a marathon" to these resolutions. I just hope my body can heal in time!
We talked a lot last night about things for us to do in the future. Possible double family trip to the Outer Banks. I've never been there and my husband and I have been talking about renting a house one summer. Is this the year to do that? We also talked about skiing. The wife had only been skiing once as had I. So, at least if we are going to 2 newbies on the slopes, we can do it together. We also talked about a long weekend trip to the Adirondacks to try hiking one of the high peaks again.
The skiing and hiking a high peak is something really important to me for numerous reasons, but mostly because the last time I did both of those things, I was severly overweight. I still remember skiing for the first time and HATING every minute of it. It was hard to move, to steady yourself on the slopes when you had so much excess weight to carry. I still remember how embarrasing it was when I rented equipment and they asked me how much I weighed. I, of course, lied and said 180 (which still big) but clearly I was pushing to 200's at that point. Anyway, skiing is something I would like to try again because I am in MUCH better shape now, a lot stronger due to my strength training, and because I don't have that excess weight any longer. Another reason I want to try skiing again: I'm kind of a scaredy cat. I get scared when taking chances so I would really like to push myself outside of my comfort zone. Heck, I never thought I could run a half-marathon and I did!
The hiking thing is different story. Last time I went hiking with them, I barely made it off the mountain, I kid you not. I was clearly not prepared for the physical strength and stamina you would need to hike a mountain and it was one of the most hellish experiences in my life. I was still heavy, although not as heavy as the skiing weight. But, I was not in great physcial shape. I remember my husband coaching me and urging me off the mountain and me saying, "go ahead without me, I'm just going to sleep with the animals!" One of the worst experiences in my life. So, why do I want to try it again. See the skiing reasons but it also has a lot to do with proving something to yourself. And I need to prove to myself that I am strong, I am powerful and can accomplish anything!
I would like to add "run a marathon" to these resolutions. I just hope my body can heal in time!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Why am I not as sick now?
So I am pretty much over my latest cold now. I fought the cold for a week and a half before I submitted to its evil. I was still running outside at that point and breathing in the fresh air was definitely keeping the cold at bay. That plus some Zicam. But then the dreaded hip flexor which I have been battling all summer reared its ugly head and I realized that I had to cool it with the running for awhile. Returned to physical therapy 2 weeks ago.
It's amazing what happens when you stop breathing in fresh air, stop physical activity because of an injury. Within 4 days, I had a full-blown sore throat and congestion. I hate sore throats, they are the worst. But I guess a cold once a year is better than 4 times a year.
Rewind to when I was much heavier and smoking. I must have had a cold every season, even summer. Summer colds are the worst, especially with the humidity levels. You feel like you can't breathe. Looking back on it, it's not surprising why I was sick so much. First, I was polluting my lungs and second, my level of physical activity was zero. Also, the colds I would get back then would be awful and would literally knock me out for a week.
Now, many, many pounds lighter and no longer smoking, I don't get colds as often, only about once a year. Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why I am not getting as many colds. The clear lungs from quitting smoking has a lot to do with it. But, does the lighter body weight have anything to do with it? Not sure, but the increased physical activity has made a difference. Many studies have been shown that exercise can boost immune function. This theory probably is true since when I was heavier I would be out of the game for a week, where now, it may only be a couple of days. In fact, I took a sick day to get some rest and the next day went to exercise class because I was going to "sweat out the germs". The other thing I notice with running is when my sinuses are stuffed up, the fresh, crisp air and oxygen was a natural sinus rinse. And let's not forget the benefits of real food either. As opposed to food that looks beige (to use a term from Bob Harper, referring to fried food)
I hate being sick. Isn't that enough of a reason to get healthy?
It's amazing what happens when you stop breathing in fresh air, stop physical activity because of an injury. Within 4 days, I had a full-blown sore throat and congestion. I hate sore throats, they are the worst. But I guess a cold once a year is better than 4 times a year.
Rewind to when I was much heavier and smoking. I must have had a cold every season, even summer. Summer colds are the worst, especially with the humidity levels. You feel like you can't breathe. Looking back on it, it's not surprising why I was sick so much. First, I was polluting my lungs and second, my level of physical activity was zero. Also, the colds I would get back then would be awful and would literally knock me out for a week.
Now, many, many pounds lighter and no longer smoking, I don't get colds as often, only about once a year. Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why I am not getting as many colds. The clear lungs from quitting smoking has a lot to do with it. But, does the lighter body weight have anything to do with it? Not sure, but the increased physical activity has made a difference. Many studies have been shown that exercise can boost immune function. This theory probably is true since when I was heavier I would be out of the game for a week, where now, it may only be a couple of days. In fact, I took a sick day to get some rest and the next day went to exercise class because I was going to "sweat out the germs". The other thing I notice with running is when my sinuses are stuffed up, the fresh, crisp air and oxygen was a natural sinus rinse. And let's not forget the benefits of real food either. As opposed to food that looks beige (to use a term from Bob Harper, referring to fried food)
I hate being sick. Isn't that enough of a reason to get healthy?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Hating yourself
So I thought this would be a good time for a new entry. Just finished another race, still working out, still eating right, still feeling good about myself. So I am watching the new season of the Biggest Loser and the first show is all about the player introductions. Which means that you hear and see their stories. And if you have been there and felt the humiliation, I don't care how fit you get, the skeletons in your closet come knocking on your door and you remember some of the lowest points in your life.
The first show is always hard for me to watch and I wind up crying at some point. Or cry through the whole thing. I remember being so humiliated getting a sub at Dibella's practically every day feeling like everyone was looking at me thinking, "She is the last person who needs a sub, what a fat slob!" I remember walking around my apartment in a red, flowered housedress which might as well have been called a mumu because it was the only thing that would fit me. I remember being so sad that I couldn't shop in the misses department, that I had to shop in the plus department and how there was nothing fashionable for me to wear. And what I wound up wearing made me look frumpy and a lot older that I actually was. Not the way I wanted to live in my 20's but that is what happened. What should have been the best of times was actually the lowest of times.
And of course, you get the snickers and the jokes. I remember at my old job, I was leaving for the day and my key chain was making a sound like a cow bell. I walked past two guys and I could have sworn that I heard one of them say "moo". I am not sure if I imagined it, but it was pretty humiliating.
Remembering how humiliated and ashamed I was of myself, I swore that I would never let my kids have their mother be the butt of their friend's jokes. Because I know what childhood is like and how awful kids can be to one another. This is why I do what I do, why I push like I do, why I post my workouts like I do. If I can share my story and pass on what I know and pay it forward, I am going to do it. I am also sharing my story because I was once there in that awful place, being made fun of, having no confidence, wasting my life in an unhealthy body. I am not wasting my life any longer.
The first show is always hard for me to watch and I wind up crying at some point. Or cry through the whole thing. I remember being so humiliated getting a sub at Dibella's practically every day feeling like everyone was looking at me thinking, "She is the last person who needs a sub, what a fat slob!" I remember walking around my apartment in a red, flowered housedress which might as well have been called a mumu because it was the only thing that would fit me. I remember being so sad that I couldn't shop in the misses department, that I had to shop in the plus department and how there was nothing fashionable for me to wear. And what I wound up wearing made me look frumpy and a lot older that I actually was. Not the way I wanted to live in my 20's but that is what happened. What should have been the best of times was actually the lowest of times.
And of course, you get the snickers and the jokes. I remember at my old job, I was leaving for the day and my key chain was making a sound like a cow bell. I walked past two guys and I could have sworn that I heard one of them say "moo". I am not sure if I imagined it, but it was pretty humiliating.
Remembering how humiliated and ashamed I was of myself, I swore that I would never let my kids have their mother be the butt of their friend's jokes. Because I know what childhood is like and how awful kids can be to one another. This is why I do what I do, why I push like I do, why I post my workouts like I do. If I can share my story and pass on what I know and pay it forward, I am going to do it. I am also sharing my story because I was once there in that awful place, being made fun of, having no confidence, wasting my life in an unhealthy body. I am not wasting my life any longer.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Dave
As I start off writing this new post, I am trying to remember how long he has been gone. Wow, the end of January. So almost 9 months has gone by since I lost my friend who could have been more had fate decided otherwise.
Our lives really are decided on timing and the choices we make. Before I went back to Hartwick for my senior year, I reconnected with Jon who would eventually become my husband. I had decided for myself that this was fate that we were going to end up together. I went back to school for my senior year and I met this guy through the telethon work I was doing for the school. Dave was from a small town near me, so we did occasionally see other during school breaks. My husband wasn't able to make it to my sorority formal in November so I asked Dave to come with me. Little did I realize how much fun I would have with him that we would end up spending the whole next day together.
Things progressed that year and we became close, very close. There was a lot of heavy flirting and more. But, Dave knew where I was coming from and I told him I could only give so much, that choices had already been made. The night before I graduated, there were lots of kisses and lots of smoke.
Yep, Dave was a smoker. But then again, so was I. For those of you who follow my running/exercise posts, pick your chins off the floor. It is true. During college, it was a pack a day habit. After college, it continued to maybe 1/3 of a pack, 1/2 a pack habit. By this time, I had also gained quite a bit of weight so not only was I obese but also a smoker. A deadly combination. But if I quit smoking, then I would probably gain more weight too, so I needed to get the weight under control first.
I hadn't seen Dave since I graduated or even talked to him for that matter. It was probably better that way. We had both gone our separate ways, got married and had our families. Leave it to the power of facebook to find people. I found Dave and we reconnected. It was good to find him again and see what was going on. And that's when I realized what was going on. CANCER. Effin' cancer. Stage 3 Lung Cancer. Are you frickin' kidding me? He was 37. Way too young for lung cancer, or any cancer as far as I was concerned. My father-in-law had passed away from lung cancer at 61 and smoked 2 packs a day, unfiltered. That I could understand. But I couldn't understand this. I mean, I had smoked too. Why was this happening to him and not me? And he had a daughter that was not even 2 yet and found out that another little one was on the way. By the time I found this all out, I had successfully quit smoking for 2 years and had taken on a new addiction (working out) Thank God I had seen the light.
I had lots of tears as I realized what was going on with my friend and kept myself updated on his website, caringbridge.org. Dave lived for another 13 months after that, enough time to welcome the birth of a baby girl and have 2 Christmas's. The cancer had spread to his brain and I knew what that meant. The same thing had happened to my father-in-law. By the time he got pneumonica, I braced myself for the news that would eventually come. A week or so later, he passed away. I cried that entire morning as I realized Dave was gone, I cried for his family, his wife, his daughters.
I thought a lot about what I could do to tell his story. The story of a young man who never knew his life would be cut short because of mistakes made in his youth. So I will be running races in his honor to spread the word about living a healthy lifestyle. I am running because at the end, he had an oxygen tank. I am lucky enough to be able to run with the breath in my clean lungs.
I also urge you to visit caringbridge.org and consider making a donation. Or if you have a family member or friend who is going through a health crisis, consider using this website to share their stories, their fight and keep in touch with others. CaringBridge is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit providing free websites that connect family and friends during a serious health event, care and recovery.
CaringBridge.org is a website that is personal, private and available 24/7. It helps ease the burden of keeping family and friends informed. The websites are easy to create and use. The authors add health updates and photos to share their story while visitors leave messages of love and support in the guestbook.
I still miss you and love you. Rest in peace, my friend.
Our lives really are decided on timing and the choices we make. Before I went back to Hartwick for my senior year, I reconnected with Jon who would eventually become my husband. I had decided for myself that this was fate that we were going to end up together. I went back to school for my senior year and I met this guy through the telethon work I was doing for the school. Dave was from a small town near me, so we did occasionally see other during school breaks. My husband wasn't able to make it to my sorority formal in November so I asked Dave to come with me. Little did I realize how much fun I would have with him that we would end up spending the whole next day together.
Things progressed that year and we became close, very close. There was a lot of heavy flirting and more. But, Dave knew where I was coming from and I told him I could only give so much, that choices had already been made. The night before I graduated, there were lots of kisses and lots of smoke.
Yep, Dave was a smoker. But then again, so was I. For those of you who follow my running/exercise posts, pick your chins off the floor. It is true. During college, it was a pack a day habit. After college, it continued to maybe 1/3 of a pack, 1/2 a pack habit. By this time, I had also gained quite a bit of weight so not only was I obese but also a smoker. A deadly combination. But if I quit smoking, then I would probably gain more weight too, so I needed to get the weight under control first.
I hadn't seen Dave since I graduated or even talked to him for that matter. It was probably better that way. We had both gone our separate ways, got married and had our families. Leave it to the power of facebook to find people. I found Dave and we reconnected. It was good to find him again and see what was going on. And that's when I realized what was going on. CANCER. Effin' cancer. Stage 3 Lung Cancer. Are you frickin' kidding me? He was 37. Way too young for lung cancer, or any cancer as far as I was concerned. My father-in-law had passed away from lung cancer at 61 and smoked 2 packs a day, unfiltered. That I could understand. But I couldn't understand this. I mean, I had smoked too. Why was this happening to him and not me? And he had a daughter that was not even 2 yet and found out that another little one was on the way. By the time I found this all out, I had successfully quit smoking for 2 years and had taken on a new addiction (working out) Thank God I had seen the light.
I had lots of tears as I realized what was going on with my friend and kept myself updated on his website, caringbridge.org. Dave lived for another 13 months after that, enough time to welcome the birth of a baby girl and have 2 Christmas's. The cancer had spread to his brain and I knew what that meant. The same thing had happened to my father-in-law. By the time he got pneumonica, I braced myself for the news that would eventually come. A week or so later, he passed away. I cried that entire morning as I realized Dave was gone, I cried for his family, his wife, his daughters.
I thought a lot about what I could do to tell his story. The story of a young man who never knew his life would be cut short because of mistakes made in his youth. So I will be running races in his honor to spread the word about living a healthy lifestyle. I am running because at the end, he had an oxygen tank. I am lucky enough to be able to run with the breath in my clean lungs.
I also urge you to visit caringbridge.org and consider making a donation. Or if you have a family member or friend who is going through a health crisis, consider using this website to share their stories, their fight and keep in touch with others. CaringBridge is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit providing free websites that connect family and friends during a serious health event, care and recovery.
CaringBridge.org is a website that is personal, private and available 24/7. It helps ease the burden of keeping family and friends informed. The websites are easy to create and use. The authors add health updates and photos to share their story while visitors leave messages of love and support in the guestbook.
I still miss you and love you. Rest in peace, my friend.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
What a difference 10 years makes...
Wow, has it really been 2 months since my last entry? I am definitely going to make a promise to myself to be a little more active. I have been really busy though with my son's broken foot, physical therapy for he and myself, taking my daughter to soccer, working, working out, yada, yada, yada. You know the drill: the life of a busy soccer mom.
So this was a big weekend: The dreaded high school reunion, number 20. The judgement from your former classmates, will we pass the test of time? The last time our class had a big reunion it was for our 10 year. I was a little (okay, a lot) heavy and was not feeling really good about myself. I still remember wearing an undergarment from top to bottom that was designed to "suck" everything in so I would look thinner. It didn't work.
Fast forward 10 years later, last night. One of our classmates was taking pictures modeled after the 10 year photos. In other words, whoever we posed with in the 10 year photo, we posed with in the 20 year photo. Since making some diet and exercise changes, the 20 year photo looks a little different than the 10 year photo. Do I dare say I might look younger?
No, it didn't take me 10 years to look better, but it is a long process. I remember a line from Losing it with Jillian a few weeks ago and she said, "I don't walk in and you magically get skinny. I'm not a frickin' genie!" Hard work and dedication gets you results. There isn't a magic pill that you can take.
On another note, congrats to my friends Jackie and Meg. They both have lost 35 pounds recently thanks to exercise and making a change in their eating habits. They both look frickin' awesome!
One last image from last night. The attempt at the MC Hammer dance. But my arms look pretty good! Stay well!
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