Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Hating yourself

So I thought this would be a good time for a new entry. Just finished another race, still working out, still eating right, still feeling good about myself. So I am watching the new season of the Biggest Loser and the first show is all about the player introductions. Which means that you hear and see their stories. And if you have been there and felt the humiliation, I don't care how fit you get, the skeletons in your closet come knocking on your door and you remember some of the lowest points in your life.
The first show is always hard for me to watch and I wind up crying at some point. Or cry through the whole thing. I remember being so humiliated getting a sub at Dibella's practically every day feeling like everyone was looking at me thinking, "She is the last person who needs a sub, what a fat slob!" I remember walking around my apartment in a red, flowered housedress which might as well have been called a mumu because it was the only thing that would fit me. I remember being so sad that I couldn't shop in the misses department, that I had to shop in the plus department and how there was nothing fashionable for me to wear. And what I wound up wearing made me look frumpy and a lot older that I actually was. Not the way I wanted to live in my 20's but that is what happened. What should have been the best of times was actually the lowest of times.
And of course, you get the snickers and the jokes. I remember at my old job, I was leaving for the day and my key chain was making a sound like a cow bell. I walked past two guys and I could have sworn that I heard one of them say "moo". I am not sure if I imagined it, but it was pretty humiliating.
Remembering how humiliated and ashamed I was of myself, I swore that I would never let my kids have their mother be the butt of their friend's jokes. Because I know what childhood is like and how awful kids can be to one another. This is why I do what I do, why I push like I do, why I post my workouts like I do. If I can share my story and pass on what I know and pay it forward, I am going to do it. I am also sharing my story because I was once there in that awful place, being made fun of, having no confidence, wasting my life in an unhealthy body. I am not wasting my life any longer.

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