Thursday, July 10, 2014

Climbing out of the darkness to find light again...and finding the athlete along the way.

These past few months have been a whirlwind of success for me, personally and athletically. These last two weeks of workouts have been fantastic and I finally feel (after about 20 months since my last half-marathon) that I am clicking again on all cylinders. I used to be the person who during a period of good fortune would just wait for the other shoe to drop. It sucks to wait around for bad things to happen. I made a promise to myself months ago that I would not live my days like that.

20 months ago, I finished my 4th half-marathon with a PR. In the mile high city to boot. And then my personal life went into turmoil. Separation, divorce, new dwelling, arrangments for the kids...etc. A lot on my plate mentally and emotionally...and the physical part pays a price. And as much as I hated not working out as much as I used to, I needed to give myself a break. Literally. I needed to work on the inside while giving the outside a break. I needed to comfort my kids that we would all be okay. I needed to comfort myself that I am worthy of love and devotion. I needed to set up a home and security for my children. I needed to work on my self-esteem and confidence. It was a dark time for me. Slowly and surely, I began to believe in me again.

Believing in yourself and building your self-esteem again takes time...and some good therapy. And the support of family, friends, and those who love you. It is because of this new-found spirit that I have been able to tackle my workouts again like I used to. I am still working on the "fear" aspect such as "I can't do this" but that seems to be getting better as well. Last night before a run, I was going to run one route (because it was flat) and decided at the last minute to change routes. The new route? One major uphill that lasted the whole 4th, last mile. The me 20 months ago would have said no. The me yesterday said "why the fuck not?". Slowly but surely, I am learning to get out of my comfort zone and give myself a push. During that turmoil, I needed to stay in my protective shell. In these last few months, I have been cracking that shell as the new me appears. I like this new me so far. More mature, less self-absorbed, more giving, more understanding, more patient, more reserved, someone I like more. But most of all, more happy. This new me will keep running in this new life and light and I can't wait for the possibilities.