Saturday, November 12, 2011

I want to run

Sitting here with the laptop in my recliner, with the boot cast, knee in pain, drinking my coffee. Meanwhile my husband is enjoying the spin class that I paid for...what is wrong with this picture?

F*cking boot cast! I hate this thing. People ask me "How do you sleep with this thing on?" I give the standard answer, "It's not that bad. You get used to it". Truth? It sucks ass! Lately I have been sticking it outside the covers because it's annoying to have it covered with the down comforter (now that the colder temperatures are back) and not be able to move it easily. In the morning when it's time to get up, it feels like it weighs "a TON". I actually weighed the thing to see how heavy it was. 2.5 pounds. Really? It feels like A LOT more! Not to mention the fact that my hips hurt walking sometimes since my natural gait is awkward. Add some knee pain that I have been having every once in awhile and what a pain in the ass it is to drive with, I'm not in the best mindframe lately. It is only the middle of week 4 and it feels like an eternity. I go back to the doctor on November 30th to see how it is healing. If it is not any better, I will need surgery. Doing some research today on the internet indicates that the use of a boot cast initially is "conservative care" and that in most instances surgery will be needed. ugh...

I want to run...I want to feel fresh air enter my lungs. I want to feel the warm sun on my face. I want to feel the soreness in my legs after a long run. I want to feel the wind in my face and chill on my cheeks. I want to have a reason to pull on my underarmour tights and long-sleeved shirt. I want to use my Oakleys again. I want to use my wool hat again. I want to stop feeling unstable on this boot. I want to stop feeling clunky in this boot and stop tripping over rugs and furniture. I want to stop feeling less than graceful. I want people to stop telling me "at least you aren't on crutches" and diminishing my feelings and pain. I want to have the courage to tell them "unless you have had this happen to you, please don't try to make me feel like this is not a huge deal for me". I want to stop having to ice my knee because of a boot cast for my ankle! I want to stop taking stairs one at a time. I want to stop being scared of slipping when my kids are taking a shower and seeing water on the floor. I want to stop stressing already about winter and ice and what I am going to do then. I want people to stop telling me to be strong, because I am a strong person. But this boot cast makes me feel weak and I hate it. Running made me feel strong (physically and mentally), graceful and that I could do anything I set my mind to. It was my religion, my alone time, my "me" time. It was my way of reconnecting with nature and God. It was when I felt most alive, feeling the air in my lungs, my arms and legs working, the muscles becoming sore. Lately I don't feel so alive. Lately something has been missing from me...a piece of something that has been taken away from me.

I want to run again...

1 comment:

  1. Jenn I love this post. No one can truly know what you are going through. When my running was shutdown for 6 months due to a seizure I was climbing the walls so I can only imagine how you feel. No matter what to me you are a RUNNER!!