You think it's easy...think again: Confessions of a Perfectionist

You think it would be easy once you meet your goal weight. If someone tells you that, turn and run. It isn't...it's extremely hard. This month marks 7 years since meeting my goal weight and becoming a lifetime member with Weight Watchers. It was also this month ten years ago when I began my weight-loss journey (minus the 10-month hiccup for baby #2..a welcome and planned hiccup) Yes, I have kept it off for 7 years. Aside from the occasional slip-up, I have maintained it. Yes, I am a leader now and enjoy motivating and supporting my members. Yes, I have run 5 half-marathons and am ready to tackle #6 this month. I have tried spinning, yoga, boot camp, Zumba and enjoy being active. Cross-fit in my future? Yes, I have realized who my true friends are throughout this process. There are people who celebrate your success and those that put you down every chance they get because they hate your success. Yes, I examine food journals and talk to them about small changes they can make ("watch your sugar, careful of the salt, where are the veggies and fruits, how much soda are you drinking?") All this should make me happy...right? Confessions of a perfectionist.. These last two years have been a pressure-filled cooker. A lot of this I did to myself and a lot of it had to do with what others would think if I gained the weight back. People are cruel, people are mean...just thinking of the jokes and comments behind my back about what people would say. Come to think of it, these were the same comments and jokes that drove me to Weight Watchers. Trying to retain perfectionism will lead you to some dangerous places. How much more weight can I lose? I know...let's skip dinner tonight! Even better, let's skip lunch! My body doesn't need this food. Why does my head feel foggy? Oh, just ignore it. You will be fine. So what if I didn't eat lunch, I can still run these five miles on the treadmill (enter the lightheadedness and need to pass out washing over me)So I get a concussion on the treadmill, big deal... Ignore that growling stomach...you are 11 pounds away from being as thin as you were in 6th grade! Nothing can stop you! Until you reach your breaking point...and your therapist informs you that you are two steps away from an eating disorder... That your brain can't make rational decisions because you aren't feeding it properly. It gives you a wake-up call. So you begin to eat meals again with your family...and the togetherness feels nice. And you enjoy cooking again. And the weight creeps on. And you try not to freak out. After all, you were not eating properly beforehand, so it's no wonder. And then you realize that you have gained 10 pounds. But its okay. Because you are still at your goal weight and are able to run, spin and work your body much harder when it has energy and fuel. You also realize when your mind is clearer, you make better decisions for you and your family. The perfectionist still lives here. The perfectionist still worries about others watching her and waiting for her to f*ck up so they can enjoy laughing at her. The perfectionist is working on herself and what led to her weight problem in the first place...

Reflections of 2011

Last night at dinner with friends, we each took a moment to reflect on the year that is winding down. What a ride I have had this year...so many things to be thankful for, so many things to look forward to in 2012.

Cons: During my 10th week of marathon training while running my one and only half-marathon of the year, I turned my ankle. After many doctor appointments, physical therapy, modified workouts, an x-ray, an mri, I will be having surgery in 5 days to repair a torn peroneal brevis tendon and have a wrapping procedure performed to strengthen my ankle. My dream of running my first marathon was crushed. I had tears, heartache, etc. But there are lessons in dreams that didn't come true.
During this whole process, I am realizing what those lessons were.
-I am human, not a superwoman. With all that I have accomplished, I sometimes forget that I am not invincible.
-Life doesn't always work out the way you had planned.
-Sometimes down time is a good thing.

Pros:
-Aidan is taking all of his subjects in a regular classroom and isn't being pulled out for help anymore. AND HE IS DOING AWESOME!
-I followed my dream and became a Weight Watchers leader. I love motivating and inspiring people to believe and love themselves enough to make a change.
-I discovered the awesomeness that is hot yoga and spinning.
-I set a PR in a 5K, 10K, and a half-marathon.
-I lost more weight and am thinner than I remember. I think I may be as thin as I was in junior high.
-I won an award at work for client retention.

Sure, the injury sucked. But look at everything else wonderful that happened? That's the way life rolls. One of my favorite movie quotes sums up how I want to live my life. It comes from the movie Parenthood:
Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

I had a great ride in 2011...I will buying a ticket for my next roller coaster ride in 2012. Cheers to a great year!

I want to run

Sitting here with the laptop in my recliner, with the boot cast, knee in pain, drinking my coffee. Meanwhile my husband is enjoying the spin class that I paid for...what is wrong with this picture?

F*cking boot cast! I hate this thing. People ask me "How do you sleep with this thing on?" I give the standard answer, "It's not that bad. You get used to it". Truth? It sucks ass! Lately I have been sticking it outside the covers because it's annoying to have it covered with the down comforter (now that the colder temperatures are back) and not be able to move it easily. In the morning when it's time to get up, it feels like it weighs "a TON". I actually weighed the thing to see how heavy it was. 2.5 pounds. Really? It feels like A LOT more! Not to mention the fact that my hips hurt walking sometimes since my natural gait is awkward. Add some knee pain that I have been having every once in awhile and what a pain in the ass it is to drive with, I'm not in the best mindframe lately. It is only the middle of week 4 and it feels like an eternity. I go back to the doctor on November 30th to see how it is healing. If it is not any better, I will need surgery. Doing some research today on the internet indicates that the use of a boot cast initially is "conservative care" and that in most instances surgery will be needed. ugh...

I want to run...I want to feel fresh air enter my lungs. I want to feel the warm sun on my face. I want to feel the soreness in my legs after a long run. I want to feel the wind in my face and chill on my cheeks. I want to have a reason to pull on my underarmour tights and long-sleeved shirt. I want to use my Oakleys again. I want to use my wool hat again. I want to stop feeling unstable on this boot. I want to stop feeling clunky in this boot and stop tripping over rugs and furniture. I want to stop feeling less than graceful. I want people to stop telling me "at least you aren't on crutches" and diminishing my feelings and pain. I want to have the courage to tell them "unless you have had this happen to you, please don't try to make me feel like this is not a huge deal for me". I want to stop having to ice my knee because of a boot cast for my ankle! I want to stop taking stairs one at a time. I want to stop being scared of slipping when my kids are taking a shower and seeing water on the floor. I want to stop stressing already about winter and ice and what I am going to do then. I want people to stop telling me to be strong, because I am a strong person. But this boot cast makes me feel weak and I hate it. Running made me feel strong (physically and mentally), graceful and that I could do anything I set my mind to. It was my religion, my alone time, my "me" time. It was my way of reconnecting with nature and God. It was when I felt most alive, feeling the air in my lungs, my arms and legs working, the muscles becoming sore. Lately I don't feel so alive. Lately something has been missing from me...a piece of something that has been taken away from me.

I want to run again...

Wow...slacker...

It has been so long since I've blogged but I have been so busy! My life couldn't be better right now! I just sent some pictures to a friend who is working on a WW success story and I am so thrilled that she asked me to be a part of it! I have been working on my physical self as well as my spiritual self and have started facilitating my own Weight Watchers meeting! It is such an exciting opportunity to motivate people and help them inspire change. Life is so good right now, I'm wondering what I did to deserve all the opportunities that I am getting right now? I am definitely the receiver of some excellent kharma right now...I have another friend from WW who is working on a commercial for the company in LA, can you believe it? What a lucky girl! 40 comes in 5 months and I can't wait!!!

Getting perspective

I've had a goal this year of running 12 races. With half the year gone, next week's Boilermaker will put me at 8. With the Wineglass marathon (cross your fingers I remain injury-free), this will make 9. Only three more to choose. Will probably look at a half-marathon to put something on the schedule for a taper, but hopefully I can find something interesting that I haven't done before.

At the end of this week, I will have completed 1/3 of my marathon training. WTH? Did I ever think I would get here? Hell no...It's been about 2 years ago that I was actively training for my first half-marathon. Whenever I think I can't do something or that I am not good enough, it helps to gain some perspective of where you have come from. So, I will do that...

When I first started running, I was running at an 11-minute/12-minute mile pace. I ran my 12 miles on Saturday with a 9:48 mile/minute pace. I ran a 10K today in an 8:48 mile/minute pace. I ran my fastest 5K last week. I ran the 10K today after running 12 miles two days ago and to my surprise, the legs felt great! I get so worked up and anxious before my long runs on the weekend that I get nervous that I can't get through them. But when it is over, I find myself thinking, "that wasn't so bad!" My profile on Daily Mile says I am an ATHLETE. I am beginning to think I am more. I am a RUNNER.

It's Now or Never...F*ck Fear

"Don't think, just do it!" This was the advice of one of my facebook friends. So I did it. I was going to do it eventually, it was just a matter of time. But, I didn't want to wait until the last minute in case I got shut out. Yep, I finally signed up for my first marathon.

I knew this was the year. I am a big believer in fate and "signs" and the signs were ll over the place that this was the year it was going to happen. Let's look at the signs and analyze:

1) I am turning 40 in March. My husband will say I am having a mid-life crisis. I don't think the crisis will happen for another 5-6 years, but call it what you will. However, I did want this to be the year of a big accomplishment.

2) I have been injury free. The hip flexor/bursitis pain that has plagued me for the last year or so has come and gone. There could be a lot of factors contributing to this. It may be the fact that I have lost an additional 22 pounds which may have alleviated any pressure that was causing the pain. That's my theory. Not sure if it's right, but it makes sense to me.

3) I have lost an additional 22 pounds. I am in the best shape of my life. My strength training that I have been doing at my boot camp with Michelle has really helped my muscle tone and definition. I am thinner than now than when I was a freshman in high school. The body is feeling good and strong.

4) I am waiting for my custom-made orthotics to come back. I am working with a wonderful podiatrist who knows I am suffering from plantar fasciitis and a heel spur and recently casted me from orthotics that will keep me pain free. In the interim, he made me a a splint for both of my feet that helps so I can enjoy running. He is a runner too, and understands my mindset.

5) I need another goal. I have done 3 half-marathons. It's time to set another goal and work towards it.

So with all those signs, I had been eyeing the Corning Wineglass Marathon for awhile. First, I have some good friends who will also be running so comradrie will help. This includes a fanstastic individual I met at Weight Watchers boot camp who will also be attempting this as her first marathon. Yes, it screams expose and article, doesn't it? Second, there is wine. Third, as luck would have it, a third of my clientele for my HR job happens to be in this area and I am very familiar with the region. Fourth, I have heard that if you want to do your first marathon, this is the one you want to choose.

So I sat on all these feelings for a month debating what to do. The only thing that was holding me back was fear. Fear is paralyzing and can hold you back from so many things. Fear can affect how we live, how we love, how we work. To let your life be directed by fear is not a life that I want to live. My facebook status today was "you only have this one life to live, this one shot!" You better live it to the fullest because you never know when your number is going to be up. So I thought about all these things and finally said, "F*ck Fear!" I paid my entry fee and will be running in the 30th Corning Wineglass Marathon in early October.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said: “He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.”

Here we go...

A love letter to my WW BLS Peeps

During the last few days of April, I spent an amazing three days in Boston with 23 of my newest friends! We all endured three days of Basic Leader Skills in order to pass the test to become a leader for Weight Watchers. We all passed with flying colors and moved to the next step, becoming a Leader Apprentice. Those three days were amazing and touched me beyond belief. During those three days, we shared many things:

-our fears
-our tears
-our love of running
-our love of the gym
-our love of beer
-our love of helping others
-our love of food
-our secrets (ahem)
-our dreams
-our aspirations
-our determination
-our happiness that we were finally happy in our own skin

At the end when we were wrapping up our time together, I said to the group, "I feel like I have found my people". When I said that, I meant people who understand that I am still afraid that I am going to gain the weight back. That I am still in disbelief that there is no way I am a size 4/size small. That I am still anal about portion sizes when it comes to food. All of you mean so much to me! When people ask me about my time with you, it is so hard to put in to words what it was like. I wish I could have put you all in my pocket and bring you home with me. And I truly hope that we will see each other again someday!

About 10 of us were at Logan Airport and shared some more beer (I wasn't joking) before our flights left. My dear friend, Patrick, was getting ready to board one plane to Baltimore and I was getting ready to board another one. He texted me before we took off and wanted to do dinner at the airport in Baltimore. In his words, "Who knows when I will see you again and if I will get this chance again?" That in a nutshell is how much those three days meant to me. I will never forget you and you have inspired me to be a great leader! Love, Jenn